Some children and teens are so stressed that their tempers often get the best of them quickly. Any little thing may seem to upset them. Their tempers can be like a time bomb, primed to go off; just a single look or word could trigger an explosion. Because of this they often live with hurt feelings and the expectation that they will become angry. Sometimes when a youngster with anxiety, attention, language, or learning problems gets angry, he struggles to verbally express what he is feeling and so he does so with his temper.
When they are calm, children with temper challenges need to be reminded that other people don’t enjoy being around them when they get angry and tempers flare up suddenly. A good way to start this activity is to ask the question: “Why should you learn to control your anger?” Lead your child to the conclusion that to keep friends, temper control is a must.
Over the next few days, take these steps to help your child cope with and control anger.
Help Your Child Understand Anger
Children with anxiety, attention, learning, and executive functioning problems need to know that anger is an important feeling that lets us know that a change is needed. Ask your child to talk about whatever makes him angry at school, home, and on the playground. He may need to know it is OK to get angry but not OK to take it out on others.
Talk about the positive and negative aspects of anger and tempers with your child. Positive aspects might include high energy for an activity, motivation for change, and help in developing assertiveness. Negative aspects include disrupting communication, ruining relationships, and stopping other natural emotions.
Help Your Child Understand the Cause/Effect of Anger
Research has suggested that those of us with executive functioning difficulties often do not recognize the cause/effect of our behavior. Therefore, it is important to ask your child to become more aware of his anger by asking her to finish these sentences about anger. This is not to make her feel bad, but so that you and she can make a plan.
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When I get angry I…
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I get angry whenever somebody…
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You can tell I’m angry when…
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Whenever I’m angry and don’t want anyone to know, I…
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The last time I was angry was…
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When I let my angry feelings out I…
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When my sister or brother makes me angry, I…
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When I get angry at my friend, I feel like…
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When I tell someone I’m angry at them, I feel…
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When I get angry, my face…
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When I keep my anger inside, I…
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Some people… when they get angry…
Conclude this activity by having your child list 3 things people get mad at her about. Have her write about a time she lost her temper. Then have her list 3 positive ways she can handle her anger.
Plan Ahead to Deal with Anger
The next step is to explore positive ways of handling anger. Discuss how people fill up with anger all day as things go wrong and how by the end of the day, they explode inappropriately. Have the child give you examples of things that can push a person to become angry.
Talk about positive and negative ways to handle anger. Negative ways include hitting, throwing things, yelling at another. Positive ways might include running around the block, pounding a pillow, squeezing a stress ball, or riding a bike. Ask your child to finish these sentences:
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Some ways to get out anger without hurting anyone are…
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A safe place to get angry is…
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Another way to get rid of my angry feelings is…
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When I get angry, I could talk to…
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The best thing for me to do when I get angry is…
Make a Positive Plan to Cope
Next, help your child make a plan to cope with anger:
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Help him learn to recognize his anger and intensity.
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Help him learn to stop and think.
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Help him learn to use the energy of anger (passion) to make a positive change.
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Help him learn to calmly tell someone how he feels.
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Help him find another way to meet his needs.
Summarize What You’ve Both Learned
Summarize by reminding your child of the following:
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It’s OK to be angry.
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It’s not OK to hurt someone else.
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It is not someone else’s fault when you are angry.
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Be responsible for your feelings and your behavior: make a plan for each cause of anger.
Set a Realistic Goal
Help your child or teen set a realistic goal to control his temper that addresses the following.
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State the goal as if it has already happened: “I can control my anger.”
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The percent of the time he will strive to control his anger (no one’s perfect, so 100% is not a good option).
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The planned actions he’ll use to reduce his angry response.
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The benefits of controlling his anger (the opposite of the problems created by anger in the past)
Help Your Child Experience Success
Ask your child how you can help her be successful at controlling her anger. Once you ask the question, just listen and write down her answers. Follow-through and do these things the next time she gets angry.
Need Help?
Call 817.421.8780 or email us to make an appointment: Dr. Davenport is happy to help you and your child or teen.
© 1995-2019, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.
