Temperament-Based Parenting | Children & Teens | Life Solutions of Dallas-Fort Worth

When it comes to advice for raising children, many quote this Proverb:

Train up a child in the way he should go

and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Unfortunately, over the years and through many interpretations, an important part of this Proverb was lost:

Train up a child in the way he should go

and in keeping with his individual gift or bent,

and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Dr. Davenport believes your child’s individual bent is a critical component to consider when training and disciplining him or her. Doing so can improve both of your lives.

What is Your Child’s “Bent?”

Bent is another word for Temperament

Temperament includes all inborn or otherwise biologically based personality traits your child or teen carries with her into the world. Your child’s temperament is NOT a learned behavior. Temperament makes a child more or less easy to care for, and it makes her more or less likely to viewed as a problem. In this article, Dr. Davenport describes the three most dominant temperaments and helps you learn how to use your child’s temperament to your (and her) advantage.

We all come to the world with one of three dominant temperaments, and a few of us have a combination of temperaments.

1. Easy / Flexible

The child with the easy or flexible temperament shows these characteristics early on:

Easily sleeps through the night.
Has regular feeding and nap routines,
Easily toilet trained,
Mood is positive and cheerful overall
Expresses distress/frustration mildly.
Approaches most new situations optimistically.
Adapts to change quickly.
Takes to most new situations and people pleasantly,
May show very deep feelings with only a single tear rolling down a cheek.

2. Slow to Warm Up

This child shows these characteristics early on:

May or may not be irregular in sleep & eating.
May or may not be irregular in bowel elimination.
Often called shy.
Uncomfortable with new situations
Adapts to change slowly
Mood is often expressed slowly

3. Determined / Difficult / Feisty

The determined child shows these characteristics early in life:

May be hard to get to sleep through the night.
Feeding and nap schedules may change from day-to-day.
May be difficult to toilet train
May have irregular bowel movements.
Usually adapts to change slowly.
Reactions are intense, noisy
To show deep feelings, may have a temper tantrum.

All Temperaments are Normal

It is important that parents recognize that each of these temperaments are normal. Parents who do not understand that their child’s temperament is normal sometimes feel resentment at the child for being different or difficult.

All Temperaments are Strengths

It is also important that parents recognize their child’s temperament as potential strengths:

Easy/Flexible –patient, persistent, multi-talented, great team players, successful at achieving their goals. As adults, these are your favorite co-workers.
Slow to Warm Up – think before acting, evaluate situations carefully, realistic, less influenced by peer pressure. As adults, you want this one to be your accountant.
Determined/Feisty – independent, energetic, great at debate, gifted in dramatic arts, want to change the world. As adults, you want this one to be your attorney.

Disciplining Against Your Child’s Temperament Does Not Work!

Parents who don’t understand their child’s “bent” or temperament often scold, pressure, or provoke a child to go against her nature. In order to stay true to her bent, the child will struggle to do what her parent asks of her.

When the “slow to warm up” child is pressured or pushed to join a group, she may immediately dig in her heels and refuse. However, if she is allowed to become accustomed to a new group at her own pace, this child can gradually become an active happy member of the group.

When the determined child is told, “get down here right this minute young lady!” She has to ask herself a question, “Do I stay true to who I am (temperament) or do I give in and lose whatever control I have in this situation?” As a result, she will likely choose to disobey.

Different Temperaments Require Different Approaches

Here’s a main point: What works with an easy-going child will never work with a slow to warm-up child, and what works with a slow to warm up child will never ever work with a determined child…no matter how many times or ways you yell, scream, push, or punish. We can avoid constant battles that constantly spin out of control by actually using our child’s temperament and strengths to get more done in a more timely manner.

Here’s another main point: Neither you nor I can change your child or teen’s temperament. However, by inspiring and motivating her, you will find that her temperament related behavior becomes less and less of a battleground.

How Can You Inspire your Child?

Acknowledge and even celebrate your child’s temperament! Then, teach your child how to better use her temperament.

As your slow to warm up child gets older, you could use her ability to evaluate situations to talk through and develop her own plan to deal with difficult problems teens face these days.
Talk to your determined child about how she might be able to use her strength in positive ways the future. For example, many determined children are great at participating in debate in high school (especially if they can learn to argue from the other person’s perspective).

How Can You Motivate Your Child?

Use Flexibility + Structure (Flexiture)!

Structure can help your child be able to do the things she needs to do. Use research-proven structured discipline techniques described in previous posts on this blog.

Flexibility allows you to adjust your expectations and demands based on your child or teen’s challenges by considering his or her strengths and needs. For example, the “slow to warm-up” child, may need you to allow her time to get used to upcoming changes and challenges. Even though you are an outgoing determined socialite who thinks, “the more the merrier!”, you may need to ask your slow to warm up child how many people she wants to invite to her birthday or graduation party months in advance of the actual event. Otherwise, she may “shut-down” on you.

Flexibly Choose Your Battles

No, this does not mean ignore what he or she is doing wrong. Pay attention and address the important things in a loving way in accord with his temperament. For example, if your determined child can’t sit still for long periods of time, expecting her to sit still during a lonnnnng Christmas dinner is like expecting money to grow on trees: it’s not going to happen no matter how much you cajole, punish, yell, or scream at your determined child (or the tree). There are more important battles to fight in her life!

What are the important things? Ask yourself, “Could this hurt my child or hurt someone else?” If the answer is “Yes!” then this is a battle you should fight. If your child runs into a busy crowded parking lot, this is a battle worth fighting. If you teen drives too fast and runs red lights, this is a battle worth fighting.

Another way to figure out if it’s important is to ask yourself, “In the long-run, is it really worth battling over this with my child?”

Know that People are Going to Judge You

You have to go into this knowing that people (especially people who don’t have a child with your child’s temperament (and even some who do)) are going to judge you for disciplining your child according to his or her temperament. This is the unfortunate truth: our society tells us all a lie that our human children should be perfectly perfect all the time: I say, “Shame on society for shaming you! Ignore their judgment and do what is right for you and your child.”

Remember Your Lasting Legacy

Here’s the bottom line: use your child’s temperament to her advantage, and always remember that you leave a lasting legacy when your child has gathered strength from you.

Need Help Applying this Concept?

Call 817.421.8780 or email us to make an appointment with Dr. Davenport today. He is happy to help you learn better ways to discipline your child based on his or her temperament.