“Strong Will” is what I call a special part of the strong-willed individual’s brain. He is a muscle man who says, “You can’t make me do anything!”
Deep down inside, Will really does want others to be in control: he just doesn’t want to give up whatever control he has in the moment. Sometimes, “Strong Will” will force an individual to impulsively disobey in order to stay true to his or her strong-willed self.
Challenges usually arise when the strong-willed allow “Strong Will” to take over their lives: they may actually lose control of the things that are important to them. Strong-willed children may lose control over their freedom at school because they have to stay in for recess after “Strong Will” shows up. Strong-willed tweens and teens may lose control over their electronics and other stuff when it’s taken away because of a display of “Strong Will.” Left unchecked in adulthood, “Strong Will” can cause all kinds of havoc: lost jobs, lost friendships, and lost marriages can result over fights for control over meaningless things.
The good news is that “Strong Will” can be persuaded and these challenges alleviated if done so in a way that somehow acknowledges whatever control a determined individual has in a situation.
Helping Your Strong-Willed Self
If you are someone who is strong-willed, you can avoid these possible losses of control. First, you have to recognize that when Strong Will takes control, you ultimately lose control in some way: again, this is not easy for the strong-willed! The next step is to learn how to be determined to control “Strong Will”: again, not an easy task, but one we all must learn. I have kids draw their own version of “Strong Will,” with them controlling him instead of him controlling them (some draw marionette strings, others draw X-box controllers). Then, their mantra becomes, “When ‘Strong Will’ takes control, I may lose control over <fill in the blank with whatever motivates me>. When I am determined to control ‘Strong Will’, I ultimately maintain control over these important things.” The strong-willed college student, young adult and adult can do the same.
Learning How to Debate
Strong-willed individuals who like to argue must learn to argue from another’s perspective: they must learn to take into account the point of view of those who have ultimate control over specific situations, such as their parents, teachers, and employers. Instead of arguing, they need to learn how to debate.
I was recently in an electronics store when a strong-willed fourteen-year-old decided she needed a certain electronic device right then. She asked her parents to buy this iTem; she debated with her mom about why she deserved this item; she begged for this iTem; and, finally, she had a major meltdown in the middle of this store. Her parents quickly exited the place with her in tow: they were embarrassed, and I doubt they will come back soon. It is highly unlikely that she will get this iTem soon (or ever) because her argument was pathetic, and I have a strong notion that the one she lost her debate to – her mom – is also strong-willed.
If this girl would have only thought about what her parents might want (they might want her to keep track of her homework or make sure that she stays in contact with them using this iTem), she could have told them how this iTem could help her do these things. Then, of course, she would have had to wait for them to make their decision. Of course, waiting is not an easy task for the strong at heart.
Even the strongest-willed can learn how to keep “Strong Will” from keeping them from being in control of getting what they want to have in their control.
Helping Your Strong-Willed Loved One
If you love someone who is strong-willed, there are ways to help “Strong Will” get along better with you. The best way to help yourself and your willful loved one is through your relationship: maintain it, and it will help you maintain the control you have with “Strong Will”: the strong-willed individual will often do everything he or she can to maintain their relationships with those who love them (even doing some things that involve losing some control). In contrast, when you don’t have a good relationship with the willful one you love, she will quickly dig in her heals every time there’s even the slightest hint of losing control.
How do you maintain a strong relationship with someone with whom you are constantly battling? It’s not easy! It takes some understanding of your loved one’s will, using a little bit of humor at times, and having a lot of patience. Ways to develop these skills and maintain your relationship are outlined in my other posts about loving your determined child or teen. These ideas also work with strong-willed college students, young adults, and spouses! You are strongly urged to read and try these suggestions to tame “Strong Will” by first acknowledging whatever control he may have in a specific situation.
What if “Strong Will” Refuses to Give Up Control?
If you are struggling to win a battle with “Strong Will,” I am happy to help! Over the years, I have helped thousands of strong-willed individuals and their families live better lives. Call 817.421.8780 to make an appointment today.
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© 2015, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.
Photo courtesy of Microsoft Office Online
