One day when my daughter was between two and three years old, we pulled up beside a bearded young man in a Jeep. He had his music up loud and he was singing along at the top of his baritone lungs. My daughter asked, “Daddy, what’s that lady doing?” I looked at him, then I looked at her through the rear-view mirror and said, “Well, first of all, that’s not a lady, that’s a man!”
The light turned green and he sped off. For the remainder of our ten-minute drive to her preschool, my daughter kept arguing that the bearded baritone was a woman. She even argued with me when I used the Love and Logic one-liner, “I love you too much to argue with you!” She emphatically yelled, “NO YOU DON’T!”
What’s the Moral of this Story?
Sometimes, we have to get creative and recognize the hidden strengths related to our child’s apparent weaknesses. For example, my daughter’s stubborn arguing could be reframed as “determined debating.”
The “flip-side” of your teen’s distractibility is creativity, the strength associated with your child’s impulsivity is curiosity, and your tween’s lack of planning is spontaneity.
How Can You Identify Your Child’s Strengths?
Try these steps to identify your child’s apparent and hidden strengths.
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First, take a look at this list of possible strengths and think about what your child does well. These are talents and character strengths that can be emphasized to help your child make important changes in life.
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Next, think about your child’s most difficult challenges (or the things that challenge you the most). Often hidden in these struggles, there is a strength. Ask yourself, “Is there a ‘mirror’ strength or a hidden ability that might be a strength for her?” Take a look at our Pinterest board called “Hidden Strengths” for inspiration.
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Have your child or teen (ages 8 and up) take the free online VIA Character Strengths Survey from the University of Pennsylvania.
Consider Your Child’s Temperament
Consider your child’s temperament – how she comes to the world and how she deals with the world – to identify strengths. Which of these (or combination of these) best describes how your child has always been?
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He’s “easy-going” and seldom reacts negatively to what you ask of him or what happens in his life. He seems to go along with whatever is happening and seldom argues. His strengths might include empathy, kindness, flexibility, and self-control.
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She’s “slow to warm-up” and it takes her some time to warm up to new situations. If you try to push her into something new, she will dig in her heels and she has to warm-up to it in her own time. Her strengths may include cautiousness, patience, and perspective.
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He’s “determined”: he wants his parents and other adults to be in control, he just doesn’t want to give up whatever control he has at the moment. As a result, he will argue and may even impulsively disobey to stay true to his determined self. His strengths might include independence, persistence, and spontaneity. In high school, he may be a valued member of the debate team.
Each of these temperaments can be strengths – think about how you can emphasize the strengths associated with your child’s temperament. For example, strengths associated with being “slow to warm-up” can include caution, sensitivity, and, with help, strong problem-solving skills.
The exciting news is that once you start to recognize your child or teen’s strengths, you can start to emphasize them to help build resilience and address needs.
Need Help Applying This Concept?
Call us at 817.421.8780 to make an appointment to learn how to understand and use your child’s strengths to address her struggles.
© 2009 – 2020, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.
Photo courtesy of STOCKSNAP.IO
