I wish I could take credit for inventing natural and logical consequences. This parenting tool has been around a lot longer than I have, but I have seen its miraculous impact on families. Here are some key principles for making it work for you.

Set your child up for success.  Before using natural and logical consequences, you must first teach your child about your family’s values and your expectations. This gives your child a point of reference to make good choices and provides a basis for his or her decisions.

Become more consistent in your actions.  By increasing consistency, you let your child know what to expect so he may make the right decisions.

Recognize who “owns” the problem.  Many Parents assume ownership of problems which are actually their children’s. To remove yourself from the problem: 1. Define the problem. 2. Decide who owns the problem  Ask: with whom is the behavior interfering directly?,  Ask: who is raising the issue or making the complaint?,  Ask: whose purposes are being obstructed? 3. Act accordingly.

For example, if the child is disturbing others in a restaurant, it is the parents’ problem. The parents must handle it with the child in a way that the child learns about socially acceptable behavior.  However, if your high school student doesn’t complete homework, it is his problem  and natural consequences occur. If the child owns the problem, the parent should let the child handle it, giving the child reasonable support.

Be both firm and kind. Your tone of voice indicates your desire to be kind, while your follow-through with consistent, appropriate action indicates your firmness. Firmness deals with your own behavior and feelings while strictness deals with the child. Firmness is an attitude toward one’s decisions while strictness is related to control of the child.

Don’t be too overprotective.  Allow the child to experience the consequences of his or her own decisions. Avoid taking responsibilities which are logically the child’s. If the child has homework he can do but chooses not to, don’t do it for him and don’t write a note explaining why he didn’t do it.

(c) 2009, flexiture, monte w. davenport, ph.d.