The Power of Positive Attention | Life Solutions of Dallas-Fort Worth

Research has shown that the attention you give your child or teen is a powerful reward. In the absence of positive attention, your child may seek negative attention in the form of reprimands or criticism. As a result, she ends up doing what you don’t want her to do to get your negative attention. Any attention is better than none!

To break out of this cycle, you must change your behavior before your child or teen can begin to change her behavior. The first step is called “positive attending.”

Goals of Positive Attending

The goals of positive attending include:

Learning how to pay attention to your child’s desirable behavior.
Increasing positive attention and positive behavior.
Changing your behavior toward your child to change your child’s behavior toward you.

Pay Attention to Your Attention

As parents, we can easily get stuck in a cycle of paying negative attention toward our child or teen. When you find yourself giving commands in rapid-fire succession before she even has time to respond, you know you’re paying her negative attention. It’s important to stop and ask yourself, “How much of my interaction with my child is negative?” on a regular basis.

Schedule Time for Positive Attending

Each parent should try to spend at least 10-15 minutes three or four times per week doing something with your child or teen who is struggling with behavior. Don’t try to have this special time together when you are upset, very busy, or getting ready to leave the house soon for an errand or trip.

Typically, your child or teen should pick the activity (within reason).

Alternatively, you may provide positive attention when your child or teen is doing some activity she enjoys: try making a craft, making a model, playing with toys, or shooting hoops.

Don’t take control of this time, and don’t direct it.
Ask no questions as they can be distracting.
Give no commands: instead, occasionally praise and/or give positive feedback, but avoid excessive flattering.
Relax and enjoy this positive time with your child or teen.
If your child or teen starts to misbehave, ignore it.
If your child or teen continues to misbehave, becomes disrespectful, or breaks established rules, stop the “positive attending” activity for now.

Pay Attention to Positive Behavior

When you are busy (talking on the phone, fixing dinner, etc.), and your teen or child is not interrupting you, stop what you are doing and tell her how much you appreciate her not interrupting you. Over time, this will increase her willingness to not disturb your work in the future.

When your child or teen volunteers to complete a task around the house without being told, be sure to praise his effort: make sure your praise is specific, accurate, and honest. Although it is likely your teen will not show any gratitude for this attention at first, know that he heard you and will remember these positive praises.

When you have asked your child or teen to complete a task, be sure to immediately praise her for beginning to start the task. Positive attention to immediate obedience will increase this behavior.

Positive Attending is Worth the Effort!

Spend at least a week practicing positive attending. If after one week, you still don’t feel comfortable acting this way with your child, continue practicing your positive attending skills for another week. You are ready to go to the next step when your behavior is changing, not when your child’s behavior is changing. After the first week, continue positive attending indefinitely two to three times per week.

In today’s crazy-busy society, it is often difficult to find the time to spend positive time with your child or teen regularly. Would you rather regularly spend a little positive time with your child or stay stuck in the negative cycle of criticizing and reprimanding her? It’s your choice.

Try these suggestions, and you will see that the benefits of positive attending far outweigh the costs of time and effort. What’s more important than your relationship with your child?

Need Help Applying This Concept?

Call 817.421.8780 or email us to set up an appointment for tailor-made Parenting Solutions to address your family’s unique needs.

(c) 2009-2019. Monte W Davenport, PhD

To break out of this cycle, you must change your behavior before your child or teen can begin to change her behavior. The first step is called “positive attending.”

Goals of Positive Attending

The goals of positive attending include:

Learning how to pay attention to your child’s desirable behavior.

Increasing positive attention and positive behavior.

Changing your behavior toward your child to change your child’s behavior toward you.

Pay Attention to Your Attention

Schedule Time for Positive Attending

Each parent should try to spend at least 10-15 minutes three or four times per week doing something with your child or teen who is struggling with behavior. Don’t try to have this special time together when you are upset, very busy, or getting ready to leave the house soon for an errand or trip.

Typically, your child or teen should pick the activity (within reason).

Alternatively, you may provide positive attention when your child or teen is doing some activity she enjoys: try making a craft, making a model, playing with toys, or shooting hoops.

Don’t take control of this time, and don’t direct it.

Ask no questions as they can be distracting.

Give no commands: instead, occasionally praise and/or give positive feedback, but avoid excessive flattering.

Relax and enjoy this positive time with your child or teen.

If your child or teen starts to misbehave, ignore it.

If your child or teen continues to misbehave, becomes disrespectful, or breaks established rules, stop the “positive attending” activity for now.

Pay Attention to Positive Behavior

When you are busy (talking on the phone, fixing dinner, etc.), and your teen or child is not interrupting you, stop what you are doing and tell her how much you appreciate her not interrupting you. Over time, this will increase her willingness to not disturb your work in the future.

When you have asked your child or teen to complete a task, be sure to immediately praise her for beginning to start the task. Positive attention to immediate obedience will increase this behavior.

Positive Attending is Worth the Effort!

In today’s crazy-busy society, it is often difficult to find the time to spend positive time with your child or teen regularly. Would you rather regularly spend a little positive time with your child or stay stuck in the negative cycle of criticizing and reprimanding her? It’s your choice.

Try these suggestions, and you will see that the benefits of positive attending far outweigh the costs of time and effort. What’s more important than your relationship with your child?

Need Help Applying This Concept?

Call 817.421.8780 or email us to set up an appointment for tailor-made Parenting Solutions to address your family’s unique needs.

(c) 2009-2019. Monte W Davenport, PhD