As parents, we can easily get stuck in a cycle of paying negative attention toward our children: often giving commands in rapid-fire succession before they even have time to respond. Research has shown that the attention we give our children is a powerful reward or consequence. Children crave attention: to a child, any attention is better than none. In the absence of positive attention, a child may seek negative attention in the form of reprimands or criticism. As a result, our children can easily get stuck in a cycle of doing what we don’t want them to do in order to get our attention. To get out of this cycle, we must change our behavior before our child can begin to change her behavior. The first step is called “positive attending.”
The goals of positive attending include:
- Learn how to pay attention to your child’s desirable behavior during play time.
- Increase positive attention and positive behavior.
- Change your behavior toward your child in order to change your child’s behavior toward you.
Each parent should try to spend 10-15 minutes every day as your “special time” with your child who is struggling with behavior. Don’t try to have special time when you are upset, very busy, or getting ready to leave the house soon for an errand or trip.
If you have established a standard time, simply say, “It’s time for our ‘special time’, what would you like to do?” If you have not set up a standard time, simply ask if you can join in. Typically, your child should pick the activity within reason. Non-activity (watching TV) is not appropriate for this time.
Don’t take control of this time, and don’t direct it. Relax and casually watch what your child is doing for a few minutes before joining in. Begin to describe your child’s play to show your interest. Try to maintain an exciting and action-oriented narrative of your child’s actions.
Ask no questions as they can be distracting. Give no commands: instead, occasionally praise and give positive feedback. Avoid excessive flattering. Make sure your praise is specific, accurate, and honest. If yourchild starts to misbehave, turn around and look elsewhere for a few moments. If your child continues to misbehave, tell him that special time is over and you will play later when he can behave nicely, and leave the room. If your child becomes extremely disruptive or abusive during this time, discipline your child as using natural and logical consequences.
Spend at least one week practicing positive attending. If after one week, you still don’t feel comfortable acting this way with your child, continue practicing your positive attending skills for another week. You are ready to go to the next step when your behavior is changing, not when your child’s behavior is changing. After the first week, continue this process indefinitely at least three times per week.
(c) monte w davenport, ph.d.
