After many years of helping thousands of children with determined temperaments (including my own child), I have learned a few things.  Some of you may see my thoughts as profound and some of you may see my thoughts as foolish.  Either way, if you have a determined (sometimes called stubborn, strong-willed, or difficult) child, I urge you to seriously consider what I have learned.

Control and the Determined Child

First and most importantly, I have learned that the determined child desperately wants her parents to be in control; however, she does not want to give up whatever control she has in the moment. Take time, re-read that, and let that sink in.

The determined child desperately wants her parents to be in control; however, she does not want to give up whatever control she has in the moment.

This is a true paradox that results in disobedience and frustration.  Because she does not want to lose whatever control she has, there are times that, in order to stay true to herself, she must impulsively disobey.  Reread and think on that statement.

Because the determined child does not want to lose whatever control she has, there are times that, in order to stay true to herself, she must impulsively disobey.

If you are a parent of one of these children, I am sure you have experienced this in some way.  For example, the more you persuade (aka “nag”) the determined child, the slower she seems to work toward the goal of leaving by 7:30 so you can get her to school on time and you can get to work on time.  She’s struggling to maintain whatever control she has over the situation.  If you yell, “Get down here this minute!” you better be prepared to wait for her to get down there on her own time.

At this point, some of you would say that she just needs a swat on the rear to get her moving.  You either do not have a truly determined child or you have not learned how to truly persuade your determined child.

It’s Not Fair!

It’s not fair that some people have perfectly well-behaved perfect little angel children who always obey and think before they speak or act, and yet you (and I) have a determined difficult child.  It’s not fair that these same people give us disgusted looks when our child throws a temper tantrum when its time to leave the park or the store because she doesn’t want to lose whatever control over what she is doing.  Finally, it is not fair that the determined child requires a different type of discipline.

Breaking Traditions

I have learned that what works with the child who has an easy-going or anxious temperament will never ever work with the determined child no matter  how many times or ways you yell, scream, push, or punish.

I have also learned that trying to implement a different type of discipline is often difficult (but not impossible) for parents of difficult determined children.  This is especially true of parents who have been taught that “parents must win every disagreement with their child because…because…”  Here’s where it gets tricky: these parents often can’t tell you “because what.” They end up saying something like, “Just because I AM the parent!” or “Just because that’s how my parents did it and their parents before them did it!” We parents do a lot of crazy things just because of family traditions.

In order to truly help our determined child, we have to break some traditions (even if we come from a long line of Texas Aggies where traditions are traditions that should never be broken). We can avoid constant battles that constantly spin out of control and actually use our determined child’s determination to get more done in a more timely manner.

In the words of a famous motivational speaker, “If you keep on doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve been getting.”  How’s what you’ve been doing to try to control your determined child working?  Are you ready to make a change?  I know, I know, change is hard!  But, what are your other choices?  Some of you may be financially able to send your child off to military school to which I say, “Good for you!  I hope that works out for you and your child!”  Many of us cannot afford such measures  (in more ways than one). 

Our Responsibility

As parents we are charged to train up a child in accordance with his or her bent (also known as temperament).  I believe that, for whatever reason, we are entrusted with the child we have and it’s our job to help her become the person she is meant to be.

I believe that God did not give us the child we have in order to punish us. I trust that God did not get mixed up and give you the kid your neighbor was supposed to have.  God was not sleeping on the day your determined child came into this world (and yes, she came to the world with her God-given determined temperament for a reason).

One of our jobs is to figure out why God gave us this child (other than to keep us humble): We do this by determining what makes our child determined and then determining how we can mold our child’s determination into a strong will for what her Maker wants her to do with her life.  When we see our responsibility in this light, God will give us the wisdom and tools to train up our child according to her determined bent.

What Can We Change?

Neither you nor I (one of the supposed determined child and teen experts of Dallas-Fort Worth) will ever be able to change our determined child’s determination.  (Personally, I don’t want to: I’m saving up for law school so she can support me in my old age.)

We can give our determined child the skills and tools needed to survive in a world that often frowns on those who are considered “stubborn, willful, and bossy.”  Here are some thoughts about how we can do this.

• Acknowledge and even celebrate your child’s determination!

• Talk to your child how she might be able to use her determination in positive ways in the future. For example, many determined children are great at participating in debate in high school (especially if they can learn to argue from the other person’s perspective).  At times, I joke with my daughter saying, “Don’t argue with me, save up all your arguments until you become a lawyer and you’re paid big bucks to argue with people in court.”

• Teach your child how to better use her determination.  For example, you could help her to be determined to change the way she deals with problems that frustrate her and cause her to impulsively say or do the wrong thing.

Different Temperaments Require Different Approaches to Discipline

Understand that most problems will occur when you, the parent, try to limit the determined child’s already limited control by saying phrases like, “You must…” or “Do this right now…” At some point when she hears these words, your determined child will use the only control she has left and she will impulsively disobey you.  Don’t miss this last point: most often the determined child’s disobedience is an impulsive attempt to maintain whatever control she has.  Try these alternatives to creating an impulsive power struggle.

• Saying, for example, “When you have finished mowing the lawn, then you may go swimming!” works a lot better than, “Don’t even think about going swimming until you have finished mowing the lawn!”

• The statement, “Get down here right now and eat your breakfast!” can be restated as “A hot yummy breakfast is being served in 2 minutes: come on down and enjoy it!”

• Get creative and take advantage of your child’s determination by saying, “Let’s race to get in the car” instead of “Get in this car right this minute!”

Reduce Impulsive Responses

When caught in a power struggle, flexibly model how to stop and think before acting. Instead of getting caught up in the moment and authoritatively sending her to time-out for a week because of her in-born temperament, say something like, “Let’s both take a time-out to stop and think this through.”

• Parents often have to develop tough “Teflon-type” feelings in order to let their child’s impulsive words and actions roll off of them, stay calm, and correct their child without getting caught up in the drama and heat of the moment.

• With regard to impulsivity, you already know that the word, “STOP!” does not work, so try the suggestions outlined in my previous posts about impulsivity.

Try Problem Solving

Try using collaborative problem-solving techniques.  For example, in a problem situation like arguing about doing homework, try the following steps.

• Sit down with your child whenever you are both calm and emphatically say, “I don’t know about you, but homework time has been tough for both of us lately.  Let’s talk about how we can work together to make it work better.”

• Guide your child but have her either write down a list or draw pictures showing the steps to completing her homework.

• Talk to her about how much time each step takes to actually do and then point out that how much time she loses when she delays getting it done.

• Have her number the steps in the process (in order).

• When she is completing her homework, ask her, “What number are you on?” from time to time as a friendly reminder instead of saying, “Did you get your math assignment done?”

Try the collaborative problem solving steps listed here and in my previous post to help your determined child understand that you understand her.

Why Flexible Structuring Works: It’s About the Relationship!

Here’s my main point: When parents develop and maintain flexibly structured discipline and a resilient relationship with their determined child, the child will diligently try to cooperate and do what she can to keep her parents happy. In contrast, if the determined child sees her parents as spending the majority of their time making demands and yelling at her, she thinks, “Why bother, they’re just going to yell at me anyway.”  She comes to realize that negative attention is better than no attention!  When parents motivate, inspire, and cheer their determined child on to success, they find that the battles over control decrease dramatically.

Make sure you don’t miss this main point: maintaining a strong resilient relationship with your determined child helps her maintain her obedience: she will do anything to keep her relationship with you strong.

Consider my articles about discipline techniques that have been shown to help build and maintain your relationship with your determined child or teen.

Here’s my final point: Once your determined child is convinced of the strength of your love for her, she is more motivated to protect her relationship with you through obedience.  Isn’t that what self control is all about?

Need help applying these concepts?

Call 817.421.8780 or email us to set up an appointment.  I’m happy to help both you and your determined child or teen live happier lives.

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(c) 2010-2019, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.