Children should understand disagreements are to be expected among friends. People cannot be expected to be the same in their thinking and actions, and so we all disagree at times. Knowing how to react to those disagreements is the key to keeping a friendship intact. Some children must be taught that getting angry, yelling, or using bad language is not the way to keep a friendship alive.
Ask, “Is It Worth It?”
Whenever a disagreement occurs among friends, the child should ask herself several questions before arguing with her friend. They should ask: “Am I really angry or just annoyed?”, “What exactly do I dislike about what was done?”, “Do I want this change or am I just out to hurt someone?”, “Is this important enough for me?”
Remember that Timing is Everything
The friends should set a time to talk about their disagreement as soon as possible. Lack of talk just makes the problem fester and get worse.
Fight Fairly!
Introduce the concept of “fair fighting” to your child, and teach her the following steps in solving a disagreement:
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State the problem or disagreement simply and directly. Stick to the facts without blaming and without adding your feelings about the other person’s behavior. It’s a good idea to practice what you’re going to say when you have a problem or disagreement to discuss.
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State feelings using an “I message” to describe why you feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. For example, “I get frustrated when it’s time to go to the movies and no one else is ready.” This allows her to take responsibility for her feelings
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Avoid messages like “You make me feel so mad when you’re not ready to go and we get there late.” Children should avoid blaming the other person. That includes not concluding the “I message” by saying, “and it’s your fault that I feel that way”. This may take a lot of role-playing, practice, and repetition.
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State clearly and directly what needs to happen. Teach your child to be specific and avoid talking in terms of attitudes as in “I want you to be more considerate about my time.” Instead, she should state the objective in behavioral terms: “I want you to be ready to go when it is time to go to the movies.” Different solutions to the problem may need to be discussed.
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Describe the practical benefits of change. Teach your child to include how she will feel and what she will do if the change is made. For example, “If you’re ready when it’s time to go, then we won’t be stressed trying to get there in time, and we’ll all enjoy the movie.” Remind her to avoid predicting dire consequences that don’t fit the situation.
Accept a Response and Negotiate an Agreement
Teach your child to allow the friend to respond. Teach your child that responses might include: “yes”, “yes with conditions”, “no with explanations”, or “let me take a time out to think about it”.
Reaching a solution takes work on both friends’ part. If you agree, declare the fight over. If not, set a time to talk later and go back through these steps. Teach your child that clarifying the agreement involves each person repeating the agreement, making sure each understands it. If either is forgetful, it may be helpful to write it down.
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© 1995-2009 Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.
