As I have said in a previous post, it’s important to remember that the Proverb many people hide behind in order to not change how they discipline their determined child actually says:

Train up a child in the way he should go

and in keeping with his individual gift or bent,

and when he is old he will not depart from it.

In this article, I discuss in more detail how to use your determined child’s individual gifts and bent (temperament) to best discipline her using research-based facts.

Understand Your Determined Child’s Bent

Here are some important research-based facts to know about your determined child’s temperament.

• The determined child does not want to take control away from her parents, but she does not want to lose whatever little control she has.
• She does not have a problem with authority, but she often has a problem with how authority is communicated.
• She wants her parents to set limits, not issue orders.

Those of you who have determined children should be nodding your heads up and down about now.  If not, let me spell it out more for you.  When I am not thinking, I will issue an order to my determined child, by saying,  “You’re not watching TV until you finish your homework!”  In contrast, when I am thinking, I will set a limit with my determined child by saying,  “As soon as you finish your homework, feel free to watch your favorite TV show.”

Don’t misunderstand:  my friendly, respectful tone does not indicate a weakness on my part as long as the bottom line stays intact (she finishes the homework).

How Can You Motivate Your Determined Child?

Use Flexibility + Structure (Flexiture)!

Structure

Provide structure to help your child be able to do the things she needs to do.  Use research-proven structured discipline techniques described in previous posts on this blog.

Flexibility

Flexibly adjust your expectations and demands based on your child or teen’s challenges by considering his or her strengths and needs in the context of the moment.

If your determined ADHD child can’t sit still for long periods of time and her medication has worn off, expecting her to sit still during dinner is like expecting money to grow on trees: it’s not going to happen no matter how much you cajole, punish, yell, or scream at the tree or your ADHD child.

Flexibly choose your battles.  No, this does not mean ignore what he or she is doing wrong.  Pay attention and address the important things in a loving way in accord with his temperament.

What are the important things? :  Ask yourself, “Could this hurt my child or hurt someone else?”  If the answer is “Yes!” then this is a battle you should fight.  If your child runs into a busy crowded parking lot, this is a battle worth fighting.  If your teen drives too fast and runs red lights, this is a battle worth fighting.  Personally, having my determined ADHD seven-year-old sit still in her chair during a long Christmas dinner is not a battle I’m willing to fight and lose.  I have bigger battles to win.

Another way to figure out if it’s important is to ask yourself, “In the long-run, is it really worth battling over this with my child?”

Flexibly use “Collaborative Problem Solving .”  This is a process that helps your child or teen feel like she can maintain whatever control she has in the situation.  The following example outlines how to talk to your determined child about getting ready to go to school in the morning.

Sit down with your child or teen whenever you are both calm and say, “I don’t know about you, but getting ready in the morning has been tough for both of us lately. Let’s talk about how we can work together to make it work better.”

Next, ask your child what you and she can and cannot change about getting ready to go to school in the mornings.

• It’s against the law to not go to school so that’s not an option.
• It’s against the law to be late to school more than 5 times so that’s not an option.
• You could go to school in your pajamas, but the other kids would laugh.
• We could figure out a morning routine so you could get it done and then have time to do whatever you want to do before it’s time to go.

Next, guide your child but have her either write a list or draw pictures showing the steps in getting the morning routine done. This gives her ownership (control) she wants.  Use the downloadable routine checklist described in a previous post. 

Next, talk with her about how much time each step takes to actually do and then point out how much time she loses when she delays getting it done.  Have her think about what she could do with all that extra time!  Agree with her about positive and negative consequences  of following the routine.

Finally, have her number the steps in her morning routine (in order).

As she is completing her morning routine, ask her, “What number are you on?” from time to time as a friendly reminder instead of saying, “Did you do brush your teeth?”, “Did you…”, “Did you…”

Once you are giving her fewer reminders, give your young determined child a timer and put her in charge of the time it takes her to get ready.  Have your determined teen record herself (using her phone or making an mp-3) telling herself what to do next in her routine.

This same process can be used to solve problems with homework time and any other activities your determined child fights with you about.

Know that People are Going to Judge You

As I have said before, you have to go into this knowing that people (especially people who don’t have a determined child (and even some who do)) are going to judge you for nurturing your child according to his or her temperament. This is the unfortunate truth: our society tells us that ALL human children should be perfectly perfect all the time and if they are not, the parents are bad:  THIS IS A LIE!  Your child’s temperament is inborn and ADHD is caused by genetics not parenting. It is appropriate to ignore the judgment of others and to do what is best for you and your child.

Remember Your Lasting Legacy

Here’s the bottom line: use your child’s temperament to her advantage, and always remember that you leave a lasting legacy when your determined child has gathered strength from you.

Click here for more about loving your determined child.

 

(c) 2013, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.