Once a child or teen has learned how to identify the ABCs of her negative thoughts and feelings as outlined in the previous post, then she can learn to defend (D) herself against those negative thoughts.
What Does it Mean to “Defend Against Negative Thoughts”?
Defending against negative self-talk involves looking for evidence and alternatives to those negative thoughts.
I suggest children and teens think about what they would do if someone said something negative about them. Even those with low self-esteem usually say, “I’d tell them why it’s not true!” I respond that they can also defend themselves against their own negative thoughts.
In the example used in the previous post, “My teacher hates me, and now the whole class thinks I’m stupid” it may be helpful to ask some questions.
Is this thought true or how likely is it this thought is true?
“Just because Mrs. Bailey gave me a bad grade doesn’t mean she hates me.”
What’s happened before when I’ve had this thought?
“She doesn’t seem to hate me even though I’ve messed up before.”
What happens to other people?
“She corrects just about everyone, and she has told us we are her favorite class.”
“Everyone else has made mistakes on homework at one time or another, so I doubt they think I’m stupid.”
What else could happen? or What could I do differently?
“Next time, I’ll ask my teacher, parents, or tutor for help on these types of assignments.”
Realistic Thinking
It is important to recognize that defending one’s self against negative thoughts involves realistic thinking more than positive thinking. Positive thinking has a place when setting goals, but when defending against negative thoughts and feelings, realistic thinking is best.
Realistic thinking involves recognizing that one’s negative thoughts are often not realistic and can be changed.
“Mrs. Baily doesn’t hate me, and other students don’t think I’m stupid. I now know how to avoid that mistake in the future, and with the right kind of help next time I can do better. I don’t feel as sad as I did, and I don’t want to crawl under my desk!”
During this step, your child or teen needs to recognize how the defense changed her feelings and actions.
Practice-Practice-Practice!
This takes a lot of practice and work, but in the long run, energized expectations can move your child from being hard on herself emotionally to becoming tough on herself to make improvements.
Remember: it took some time for your child to develop negative self-talk, and it will take some time for her to change her beliefs.
Need Help?
Some children and teens may need short-term assistance to develop realistic thinking and other good coping skills. Contact us to make an appointment.
EXCERPT FROM LD KIDS CAN! (C) 1993, MONTE W. DAVENPORT (PERMISSION TO USE IDENTIFYING THE ABCS WAS OBTAINED AT THAT TIME).
