In the rainforest, something is always growing, and the most growth occurs soon after some immediate conflict and change.  For example, a huge tree gets old, dies, and falls onto the forest floor.  Talk about conflict! The trees around the falling tree lose some branches as it comes down. Any animals, plants, or bugs that happen to be on the forest floor right in the path of the falling tree face an immediate conflict with possibly permanent consequences: they must move fast or die.

Immediately following the fall of a huge tree in the rainforest, sunlight reaches a patch of the forest floor for the first time in a long time.  This change results in the second conflict: all the seeds and small plants just waiting for this opportunity to race each other to take advantage of the sunlight. Since this second conflict happens over a long period, it is not immediately noticeable, but it’s there. 

Over time, this process comes full cycle and new growth occurs.  Some plants sprout up quickly while others grow slowly.  Those that sprout up quickly require much care and attention to keep growing.  Ultimately, the slow-growing plants have such big leaves they win the race because they block the sun’s rays from providing light to the others.    

This same process of conflict, change, conflict, and ultimate growth happens to people every day.  Oftentimes, how the conflicts are handled determines what the growth looks like.  In human relations, effective communication, a systematic values-based approach to problem-solving, and a goal-oriented approach seems to promote the best growth for everyone involved. 

In this article, Dr. Davenport outlines how to endure conflicts of change and experience lasting growth.

Change is Difficult!

First, it’s important to understand that change is hard for everyone and this is normal.  Change is tremendously difficult because it typically involves an immediate conflict before seeing the benefits of long-term growth.  Some sages say that change results in conflict while others say conflict results in a change.  Who is right?  Since I am such a “people-pleaser” I suggest that both are correct! Besides, when I agree with both sides of the argument, then 100% of the experts agree with me!

Making a change is a multiple-step and multifaceted process that can involve multiple conflicts before you see the resulting growth.

Change is the Result of an Initial Conflict

Your initial motivation for change is usually some sort of conflict or problem that you see the need to address.  Conflict can get you moving: problems can inspire you to make things better.  This desire to “make what is wrong in your lives right” is hard-wired in your brains.

However, avoidance of problems is also an innate part of your humanness: it’s a natural part of your brain’s safety system that allows you to decide to either “fight or take flight” away from those things that might harm you. The conflict that happens after you think about making a change can get you “stuck” in thinking about making a change.  You often either avoid (flee from) change or you fight it with everything you have.

Just like all of us, I am sure that you spend a lot of time thinking about the pros and cons of the changes you need to make.  During this time, you are said to be “sitting on the fence.” This period of indecision can be both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

While contemplating a change that you need to make, you can get good at arguing with yourself: during this time, you learn to say to yourself, “Yes, but…” For example, you might think, “Yes, I can see how overcoming procrastination is important to my future success, but right now is just not the right time to do it: I think I’ll wait and think about it some more.”  While thinking about change, it is very easy for you to get stuck “sitting on the fence” wavering between two choices.

Change Results in Internal Conflicts

Once you start moving toward making a change in one direction or the other, an immediate internal conflict arises.  You hop off the “fence of indecision,” and you take a few steps in one direction, but you struggle and stumble because of the newness of the situation.  Things start to get difficult and it takes an effort to keep moving in this new direction.  You may face obstacles you were not prepared to face.  Then, you’ll start to doubt your decision.

You’re so used to the comfort of “sitting on the fence” and thinking, “Yes, but…” that you may look back and think about how good things were before you started on this journey to a new way of life, and you say to yourself, “Yes, this is important, but sitting on the fence wasn’t so bad!”

Because of human nature, it is likely that you often focus so much on how you feel in the immediate here and now that you struggle with the immediate conflict associated with change: When faced with the initial conflict associated with change, some of you will turn around and hop back up on the fence!  But, at this point, the fence usually doesn’t feel as comfortable as it once did.  Deep down, inside your heart of hearts, you know that if you would have kept moving, growth would ultimately occur.  The problem is that the ultimate growth you are striving toward is delayed (months or years) and the conflict of change is immediate.

Change and Internal Conflicts can Result in External Conflicts

As you are turning back to your old comfortable way of life, an external conflict can occur and make you even more indecisive.  Someone else, (usually a parent, a friend, or a hired professional helper) may come alongside you and try to help speed you along to the right, straight, and narrow path of change. These people are truly filled with the best of intentions: they see you moving toward a change and they want to make sure you make the best and safest choice.

When others see you eyeing or moving back toward the fence or even toward the “not-so-safe” path, they may jump out in front of you and take actions that clearly say, “Stop! Can’t you see the danger ahead? Turn around! Take this other way!”  Again, their desire to set you on the right, straight, and narrow path is filled with the best of intentions: this desire is very common and it has a name: it’s called the “righting reflex.”  The problem is that their way to solve your problem may not match your way of doing things.

Problems often arise with those who are trying to help you when you say those words you have learned “sitting on the fence,” out loud to that person who is trying to help you.  When you say, “Yes, but…” out loud, the well-meaning parent or friend or helper may insist on winning this battle for your good.  As a result, the change you need to make becomes their goal not your own: you get even more stuck and all real growth can come to a screeching halt!  Like in the rainforest, your helper’s well-meaning help may block the light from reaching you, and your growth stops.  (Those of us who are helpers need to remember that in trying to win a battle for someone’s good, the one we are trying to help may lose an opportunity for true growth.)

Often, “sitting on the fence” of indecision for a while can become a motivator for change.  Sitting on the fence day in and day out is uncomfortable as you see the world passing you by.   Yes, many of you don’t like to change any way you package it, but can you be alive and spend your lives sitting on the fence? Regardless of your likes or dislikes, change happens with or without you, and sometimes, you have to figure out how to “grow with the flow.”

The Keys to Real Change and True Growth

So, how can you move beyond the immediate conflicts, make needed changes, and experience true growth?  It’s not easy! Change and growth require hard work.  They require you to dig deep and find something bigger than yourself.

The keys to making a lasting life-changing change are found by figuring out your values and your motivations for lasting growth.  Instead of arguing and getting stuck in the land of “Yes, but…,” you need to be honest with yourself (and others).

(1) First, you must recognize the importance of your values and goals in making a change and experiencing growth. Your values are found in your core purposes and meaning in life.  Values are often easily found in your character strengths.  In my office, I help people sort through 90 different values to figure out which of these long-term goals are most important to them.

(2) Next, it is critical to figure out why you want to change.  To do so, you must recognize that it is normal for most of you who are thinking about making a change to feel two ways about it!  You all have a few reasons to keep things as they are and you can have a few reasons to change.  Then, you should be honest with yourself as you answer specific questions about your reasons to change.

(3) Think about others. At first glance, all of this sounds “self-centered” and this makes it easy to criticize this approach.  However, it is important to recognize that each of these questions can be answered with others in mind.  For example, if your family is one of your most important values and you love to procrastinate, you could answer the question, “What do I dislike about how things are now?” with the statement, “My procrastination is hurting my career, and it’s keeping me from supporting my family.”

(4) Once you decide to change, you have to take responsibility. You have to be honest with yourself and know that ultimately, you earn whatever true growth you obtain through change regardless of what others do or don’t do.  In other words, no one can make another person follow through to change and grow.

Yes, someone might drag you kicking and screaming through the land of change, but you won’t earn the growth that comes from working toward the change you need.  Yes, someone can beg, plead, and cry for you to make a change, but unless you take the first step (and all the next steps) on your own, you won’t reap the benefits of change: ultimately the true growth will be theirs.

(5) Next, identify your goals for change.  In thinking about your goals, it’s important to first honestly answer, “What do I want to achieve in the important areas of my life (in my relationships with others, in my life’s work, in my physical well-being)?”  You can make sure these goals are realistic by asking yourself a few questions listed in my previous posts on setting and achieving goals.

(6) Finally, it’s time to take action!  This involves first making a plan and then taking daily action towards making the changes you desire.  As you strive towards your goal, you have to be honest about your efforts and evaluate your progress regularly.  Try using my suggestions on taking daily action and evaluating your progress.

Keep Changing and Growing

Yes, change is extremely difficult, but real growth based on your motivations can help you push through the conflicts and truly change the trajectory of your life!  It is important to keep your eyes on the long-term benefits of growth during the short-term conflicts of change.  One way to think about it is to remember that the benefits are the opposite of the problems that caused you to see the need to change in the first place.  When you can recognize the values-based benefits amid the conflicts of change, then you can grow in the light of your future!

What difficult change do you need help facing?

If you or a loved one need help to make a life-changing change, contact us to make an appointment.

Dr. Davenport is experienced in helping individuals and families get off the fence of indecision, identify their values/goals, and figure out their motivations for change.  He can help you face your most important life-changing but challenging needs.

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© 2011-2020, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.

Photograph provided courtesy of Microsoft Office, www.office.com